The 20 Types of Depressed Sports Fans
Wednesday, May 22, 20139. The Pessimist
This fan spends almost the entire game predicting that something terrible is about to happen. Long before it becomes clear that the game is going south, this fan will annoy everyone by coming up with increasingly negative scenarios that he insists are about to unfold. Eventually, his lamentations become a source of constant background noise, like a dripping faucet.
This will last until, inevitably, one of the other fans will threaten this person with physical violence if he doesn't shut up immediately. It will probably be the “Punches the Wall” guy. Everyone else will nod silently.
2. The Single F-Bomb Fan
This fan is a traditionalist. He or she responds to every negative twist and turn with a single f-bomb, followed by a brooding silence. Simple. Timeless. Almost, dare we say, elegant.
This fan actually comes in two sub-varieties: The short f-bomb, or the drawn-out f-bomb. The former gets bonus points for volume, while the latter is aiming for endurance.
18. The Non-Reaction Fan
This fan barely acknowledges what’s just happened. In fact, you have to study him carefully to find any reaction at all. He might slump slightly, or offer a subtle head shake. There’s a slim chance that he might mumble something indecipherable under his breath.
But that’s it. Whatever chaos is unfolding around him, he won’t acknowledge it. If you didn’t know any better, you’d almost think he was at peace with what he'd just seen. There’s a sense of serenity to him, like a still pond on a windless morning.
Make no mistake: No fan is hurting worse than this one.